Six Resilience Skills to Make It Through Dicey Spots

When was the last time you discovered that you didn’t measure up to someone else’s expectations? The message may have come from a boss, co-worker, colleague, client, family member, or friend. Do you remember the feeling? It might have been a visceral, sinking feeling in your gut or some other physical sensation that comes when your confidence takes a plunge.

I went through this tough experience with a coaching client recently. Initially, he was knocked off-track and didn’t know what to do to regain his confidence. Like a car hitting an icy patch of road, he was swerving uncontrollably. Eventually, he was able to gain control of his internal steering wheel again. Now that he’s beyond the rough patch, he can look back at the resiliency skills he developed along the way. We used the following six strategies to bring him relief, as well as personal growth. 

Let yourself feel whatever you’re feeling. 

If you think that by not acknowledging negative feelings, you’ll make them disappear, you would be wrong. The opposite is true. The way to allow those unpleasant feelings to dissipate is by allowing yourself to fully experience them. This is not fun. I get it. However, according to Harvard brain scientist Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, 90 seconds is all it takes to identify an emotion and allow it to dissipate while you simply notice it.

To help yourself in this process, you can write, talk with a friend, or close your eyes, go inside your body, and pay close attention to what you’re feeling emotionally and physically. Remind yourself that the feeling will pass.

Give yourself a good dose of self-compassion.

Processing feelings when you’re in this emotionally triggered state of mind is not easy; however, sticking with it will be worth it in the end. 

Dr. Kristin Neff, self-compassion researcher, shares this as part of her self-compassion definition: Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings—after all, who ever said you were supposed to be perfect?

Don’t take it personally.

Author Don Miguel Ruiz shares in The Four Agreements: If I see you on the street and I say, “Hey, you are so stupid,” without knowing you, it’s not about you; it’s about me. If you take it personally, then perhaps you believe you are stupid. Maybe you think to yourself, “How does he know? Is he clairvoyant, or can everybody see how stupid I am?”

That scenario may sound ridiculous as you read it, but have you heard a similar dialogue inside your head? 

Thinking about the scenario in third person is one method for moving away from taking it personally. For example, instead of saying, I messed up the presentation, you could say Jane didn’t bring her A-game to that presentation. This gives you a more objective, observer’s viewpoint that is not as emotionally tangled up in the situation. 

Notice the story you’re repeatedly telling yourself.

If you’re stuck in a never-ending story loop, try asking yourself these questions: What evidence do I have? Is it true? What are some other possibilities?

Look for the kernel of truth.

Scour the situation that’s thrown you off-track and look for a small bit of it that’s true or that you sincerely want to learn from. Use this insight to decide what you want to improve and how you will do it.

Choose a growth-mindset.

You have the power to choose the perspective you want to take on the situation and decide what you want to do moving forward. These wise words from Wayne Dyer come to mind: Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change. That seemingly simple shift is powerful! 

You get to choose your mindset. A fixed mindset means you believe your qualities (i.e., intelligence and talent) are fixed. A growth mindset means you believe that those qualities are just the starting point.

Picture your brain forming new connections as you meet the challenge and learn. Keep on going. Carol Dweck

These strategies don’t have an exact order. Use any or all of them when (not if!) you hit a dicey patch in the road. Growing your resilience skills isn’t enjoyable and yet, future you says, Thank you, because the next time you need them, it will be a wee bit easier to get your confidence back. Do you have a hot tip that I didn’t share? I’d love to hear it! Jalene@JaleneCase.com

Freeing Our Work Spirit

Our poor work spirits have taken quite a hit during this pandemic. By “work spirit” I mean the part of us that loves the work we’ve chosen to do and relishes the rewards we receive for doing it well. I’ve talked with people who are still working in their jobs, people who have laid off all their employees but are still working, and solopreneurs trying to stay afloat. Everyone is exhausted.

It takes an inordinate amount of energy to work right now. Our internal systems are overloaded by analyzing decisions that didn’t require our attention a month ago. We have to ask ourselves: Am I far enough away from that person? How can I reduce the number of trips to the grocery store? How do I not look like a total dork on Zoom? Why aren’t I using this time for my big, dream projects? It’s no wonder we’re wiped out!

How do we free ourselves so we can enjoy our work again? We can’t extricate ourselves by continuing to do the same things faster or longer, or forcing ourselves with mean internal thoughts, or comparing ourselves to other people we imagine never get stuck.

I propose giving ourselves some grace and space to loosen the ropes that are constricting us.

Consider these untying tips for freeing up your work spirit.

Mighty Metaphor

What’s a metaphor that represents how you want to feel about your work or business right now?

We get stuck in the stories we tell ourselves. They become our truth even though they are most likely not true. This process shifts our perspective and opens us to new viewpoints.

Here’s an example to jump start your imagination. Metaphor: My business has been in a car accident, t-boned by another vehicle. It’s not my fault and yet my business is physically injured. I need to help it heal. When our bodies are healing, we take care of them and know that recovery will take time with plenty of ups and downs along the way.

What metaphor comes to mind for you for your work environment? How might a change in perspective shift your attitude and actions?

Sweet Self-Compassion

As soon as I utter the words, “We need to give ourselves even more self-compassion,” anyone I’m with says, “Yes!” We innately know that compassion is a good thing.

The most basic definition of self-compassion is talking to yourself with the same kindness you would use with a friend. My go-to person in this area is Dr. Kristin Neff (self-compassion.org).

Dr. Neff offers this activity that you can do right now:

1. Put both hands on your heart, pause, and feel their warmth.

2. Breathe deeply in and out.

3. Speak these words to yourself, out loud or silently, in a warm and caring tone:

This is a moment of suffering.

Suffering is a part of life.

May I be kind to myself in this moment.

May I give myself the compassion I need.

How are you feeling now? Simply notice.

Soothe Yourself

Consider what you need physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually. Remember that when you’re taking care of yourself, you are immensely more effective at taking care of the other people and work in your life. It is not selfish. Imagine putting the oxygen mask on yourself first or filling your cup so you have plenty to share.

A participant recently shared this concept with our leadership development group. Each of us shows up to work with one cup of empathy. We can either pour all of it on one person or disburse it drip-by-drip throughout the day. When it’s gone, that’s it. The problem is that sometimes the cup is emptied at work and we have nothing left for our families. The group immediately wondered, “How do we increase the size of our cup so we have more empathy to give?” The answer. Take care of ourselves first.

How might you take a little better care of yourself? The people and work in your life will thank you. What is one practice that you will do for the next week to free your work spirit? I’d love to hear what worked for you. Connect with me at Jalene@JaleneCase.com.

Trying Easy Rather Than Hard

Having fun is allowed!

From playing a sport to working a job, the phrase “trying hard” implies that we’re attempting to perform at our very best, pushing ourselves harder to go beyond our limits. Why? I believe it’s because we want to be successful on our own terms.

We receive accolades for trying hard: “She’s a hard worker.” “He’s trying hard to be the best leader he can be.” Yay for us! Most of the time. The problem comes when trying imperceptibly slips from positive to negative.

On the positive side, trying drives us to go all-in toward what we truly want to accomplish. It feels light, invigorating, and clear, like we know what we want and how to get it. And dare I say…it’s fun!

On the negative side, trying forces us to do what we think we should do (a hallmark red flag!) which causes over-complication and stress. It feels heavy, tense, and anxiety ridden with a tinge of panic, ready to explode at any moment.

What if the opposite could be equally effective and way more enjoyable? How might we try easy?

That’s what suddenly occurred to me in the thick of 2020 planning. I pressed pause on trying hard and began exploring what was already flowing easily toward me.

Here are some ways to experiment with trying easy. Take a deep breath with a long exhale, let your shoulders fall away from your ears, and give these a whirl.

Examine Energizing and Depleting

This simple step is essential. Consider every aspect of your life while pondering these questions: Which people and what activities energize and excite you? Which people and what activities deplete and drain you?

If you’re not sure, begin by paying attention to how you feel. For example, are some work projects easy to do because you love doing them? Do some tasks take a ridiculously long time because you dread doing them? Who are the people or groups you’re around that leave you feeling great, positive, energized? Who are the people or groups that leave you feeling exhausted, drained, even a bit depressed?

For this exercise, write what and who are energizing you and what or who are draining you. Follow the good juju to try easy.

Create a Sacred and Fun Space to Explore

Creating an intentional space to seriously play will loosen up that trying hard tension so it can relax into trying easy.

When I’m doing this activity, I love to take over an entire room! I stock up on flip chart paper, colorful sticky notes, and have lots of colored markers handy. Playing music that makes me want to move is a new tool for me. Its power to shift my perspective from stuck-in-the-same to anything-is-possible has surprised me. Leaving everything in place for a while means I can continue working in spurts over time and see the gestalt of the whole project.

Identify Your Support Peeps

Who are the people, groups, and/or businesses supporting you now? Those are your peeps! Make a list of people who support you personally, professionally, physically, intellectually, emotionally, and/or spiritually.

How might connecting with your peeps more intentionally help you go with the flow of trying easy?

Take A Break

This can be so hard sometimes! Stepping away for a break can unplug you from the trying hard circuit so you can make a conscious choice to reconnect with the strong current of flow. When you’re there, the buzz of electricity is palpable. Your brilliance can shine!

Capture Your Ideas

Find a method that works for you to capture what comes to you while you’re in the trying easy mode. It could be a spreadsheet, a form you create or find, colored markers on a flip chart, or an app. Documenting your ideas allows your brain to let go of them for now which builds self-trust and brings a sense of calm. You can rest knowing that your precious ideas are tucked away for safe keeping.

Experiment with trying easy and notice how it’s different from trying hard. What are the results? How does it feel? How might you tap into that easeful flow again? I’d love to hear what works for you! Drop me a line at Jalene@JaleneCase.com.

Failing & Hiding

Hi!

I've been writing a blog post every week since the first of the year and this week, I failed. Yup. I didn't do it. Rather than beat myself up, I forgive myself with love and compassion. I've been stretching into some new areas lately and I imperfectly juggled the balls I have in the air (like blogging!).

The stuff I've been doing for the first time include singing lessons (to strengthen my speaking voice), prepping to speak at a Women's Symposium, and facilitating a team using some psychometric tools designed to help them learn about their behaviors and motivators. I'll have lots of insights to share soon!

In the meantime, I thought you'd enjoy reading this blog post from a person who continually inspires me -- Jennifer Louden. Her blog post is titled, "When are you going to come out of hiding?"

I am definitely coming out of hiding these days! How 'bout you?

In the spirit of knowing ourselves,

Jalene

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