Six Resilience Skills to Make It Through Dicey Spots

When was the last time you discovered that you didn’t measure up to someone else’s expectations? The message may have come from a boss, co-worker, colleague, client, family member, or friend. Do you remember the feeling? It might have been a visceral, sinking feeling in your gut or some other physical sensation that comes when your confidence takes a plunge.

I went through this tough experience with a coaching client recently. Initially, he was knocked off-track and didn’t know what to do to regain his confidence. Like a car hitting an icy patch of road, he was swerving uncontrollably. Eventually, he was able to gain control of his internal steering wheel again. Now that he’s beyond the rough patch, he can look back at the resiliency skills he developed along the way. We used the following six strategies to bring him relief, as well as personal growth. 

Let yourself feel whatever you’re feeling. 

If you think that by not acknowledging negative feelings, you’ll make them disappear, you would be wrong. The opposite is true. The way to allow those unpleasant feelings to dissipate is by allowing yourself to fully experience them. This is not fun. I get it. However, according to Harvard brain scientist Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, 90 seconds is all it takes to identify an emotion and allow it to dissipate while you simply notice it.

To help yourself in this process, you can write, talk with a friend, or close your eyes, go inside your body, and pay close attention to what you’re feeling emotionally and physically. Remind yourself that the feeling will pass.

Give yourself a good dose of self-compassion.

Processing feelings when you’re in this emotionally triggered state of mind is not easy; however, sticking with it will be worth it in the end. 

Dr. Kristin Neff, self-compassion researcher, shares this as part of her self-compassion definition: Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings—after all, who ever said you were supposed to be perfect?

Don’t take it personally.

Author Don Miguel Ruiz shares in The Four Agreements: If I see you on the street and I say, “Hey, you are so stupid,” without knowing you, it’s not about you; it’s about me. If you take it personally, then perhaps you believe you are stupid. Maybe you think to yourself, “How does he know? Is he clairvoyant, or can everybody see how stupid I am?”

That scenario may sound ridiculous as you read it, but have you heard a similar dialogue inside your head? 

Thinking about the scenario in third person is one method for moving away from taking it personally. For example, instead of saying, I messed up the presentation, you could say Jane didn’t bring her A-game to that presentation. This gives you a more objective, observer’s viewpoint that is not as emotionally tangled up in the situation. 

Notice the story you’re repeatedly telling yourself.

If you’re stuck in a never-ending story loop, try asking yourself these questions: What evidence do I have? Is it true? What are some other possibilities?

Look for the kernel of truth.

Scour the situation that’s thrown you off-track and look for a small bit of it that’s true or that you sincerely want to learn from. Use this insight to decide what you want to improve and how you will do it.

Choose a growth-mindset.

You have the power to choose the perspective you want to take on the situation and decide what you want to do moving forward. These wise words from Wayne Dyer come to mind: Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change. That seemingly simple shift is powerful! 

You get to choose your mindset. A fixed mindset means you believe your qualities (i.e., intelligence and talent) are fixed. A growth mindset means you believe that those qualities are just the starting point.

Picture your brain forming new connections as you meet the challenge and learn. Keep on going. Carol Dweck

These strategies don’t have an exact order. Use any or all of them when (not if!) you hit a dicey patch in the road. Growing your resilience skills isn’t enjoyable and yet, future you says, Thank you, because the next time you need them, it will be a wee bit easier to get your confidence back. Do you have a hot tip that I didn’t share? I’d love to hear it! Jalene@JaleneCase.com

Nine Strategies for Being the Leader of You

Being a good leader of others starts with leading ourselves and yet, it’s still not a commonly discussed topic. If we use the same definition as leadership but flip it to self, this is what it looks like: Self-leadership is influencing yourself to believe in a vision while creating a sense of purpose and direction for yourself. 

In a quest to help my clients (and myself!) be better self-leaders, I created the Self-Leadership Map with nine strategies. In this culmination of a nine-post series, you get to pull together what you’ve learned about yourself. If you want to read or reread the previous eight posts, they’re all together on the Self-Leadership Map web page. Even if you haven’t read all the blog posts, you’ll find the essence of the Self-Leadership Map below or download a free worksheet version. You can use this to support yourself in staying focused on what matters most.

Touchstone Foundation 

These touchstones will repeatedly keep you grounded and inspired.

• Annual Theme: What is my focus for the year? Write a word, phrase, or sentence.

• Core Values: Who am I when I’m at my best? What influences hard decisions? Write 2-5 values.

• Purpose/Why: What is the belief or cause that drives me? Write a phrase or sentence.

• Love Notes to Self: What will I remind myself of when times get rough? Write 2-5 words, phrases, or sentences.

Wholehearted Being

This is fuel for your motivation. Self-care and awareness produce energy to keep moving forward.

• How will I take care of myself? Write 1-3 for each area.

  • Intellectually

  • Physically

  • Emotionally

  • Spiritually

• Which character traits describe how I want to show up at my best at work? Write 1-5 words.

• Which character traits describe how I want to show up at my best at home? Write 1-5 words

Near & Far Vision

Envision what you truly want in the near-term and long-term.

• What do you want? (Use the time periods of 30 days, 90 days, 12 months, 5 years, 10 years.)

Decisive Goals

Choosing a limited number of goals will provide focus.

• What will I do to achieve my vision? (Use the time periods of 30 days, 90 days, 12 months, 5 years, 10 years.)

Consistent Action

Tenacious tiny steps are what leads to accomplishing big goals. 

• What practices or habits will I do to support myself so I will reach my vision? Write 1-3 for each period: daily, weekly, monthly, quarterly, annually.

Energizing Support

Connecting with people who support you can bring resources, collaborations, joy, and more

• Who supports me in the following areas?

  • Tackle problems & challenges

  • Understand business & people

  • Colleagues

  • Core work and/or hired team

  • Which groups do I want to join and be actively involved in?

  • How will I remind myself to reach out when I want and/or need help?

Pesky Obstacles

Notice what’s getting in your way. For example, physical space (external) or negative self-talk (internal).

• What is getting in my way externally? Write as many as you want.

• What is getting in my way internally? Write as many as you want.

• How might I mitigate or eliminate these obstacles? Write 1-3 strategies.

Appreciative Celebration

When we celebrate, it teaches our brain to do more of what we’re celebrating.

• How might I celebrate my small and big accomplishments? Write 1-3 strategies.

Sustainable Ecosystem

Think of the previous eight areas as living, breathing, evolving parts of your self-leadership ecosystem. Reflect on what’s most useful for you at this stage of your life. Consider where you want to keep this information, how you want to update it, and what will support you best to stay on track.

• What will your system look like? Consider these areas:

  • Where will I keep the information from this map? For example: print, post on the wall, digitally, or separate out the elements and keep in different places. There are no rules so do what works best for you.

  • How often will I engage with these self-leadership elements? For example: read everything weekly or monthly, and update some of the sections on a regular basis.

• Example of a Sustainable Ecosystem:

  • Daily: Use software to track baby steps toward goals & visions.

  • Weekly: Focus on completing 30-day goals.

  • Monthly: Read the whole map to reconnect with my foundation and vision, update areas as needed, celebrate achievements with accountability partner or coach.

This is the most important part of the entire process. Create a system for leading yourself that works for you. There are no rules! Be creative. Be innovative. Be structured or be wild. Above all…first, be the leader of you!

Learn more about all nine self-leadership strategies + download a Self-Leadership Map as a fillable PDF so you can use this valuable tool well into the future.

I’d love to hear at least one strategy that works best for you. Send me an email.

How an Inner Foundation Can Keep You On-Track

Life bumped me off-track recently. I needed to catch-up with myself, to remind myself of what matters, to ground myself in who I want to be and how I want to show up. I started by stopping, which isn’t my natural inclination. My default action when I’m overwhelmed is to focus on doing more faster and working longer hours. I’m great at staying busy. That’s the problem. 

I finally realized that in order to catch up with myself, I would need to press pause and reconnect with my foundation so my actions aligned with the future I wanted to create. 

A strong foundation can give you solid ground to stand on when your world feels out of control. It can be a reliable touchstone for reconnecting with what motivates you from the inside out and what defines you. It can steer your actions and get you back on track.

Here’s what I did to get back on track:

First, I did what I call a brain-dump. I wrote out all the things that were in my head to get done on my whiteboards. This process helped me see everything together to get a sense of the big picture. I energized myself by standing up, moving, using colored markers, and listening to music. 

Next, I marked everything that I had made a commitment to do and wrote the date it needed to be done by.

Then I stopped to revisit my foundation so I could use it for making decisions about what to do next. Here are the elements that form my foundation, which I refresh at least annually to keep me grounded and inspired.

Touchstone Foundation Elements

Annual Theme

What is my focus for the year? This is a word, phrase, or sentence that’s a guiding light for the year. 

In 2021, my annual theme is “choose & grow.” I had to chuckle because choosing was exactly what I was facing at the moment! The word grow reminded me that I want to focus on growing my business. This helped me cross off some of the things I had written on the whiteboard.

Core Values

Who am I at my best? What influences hard decisions? Now is when values go to work. In other words, this is what values look like when they’re operationalized. 

For the last couple of years, I’ve reduced my values to only two that I truly use to make tough decisions and describe how I want to show up. (You can find more about this practice in Dare to Lead by Brene Brown.) I looked at my two values of usefulness and connection, and again, crossed-off more to do items.

Purpose

What is the belief or cause that drives me? This is a phrase or sentence that inspires and motivates how you want to live your life. It’s a thread that weaves throughout your life, a theme that shows up repeatedly.

My purpose is to help people connect with themselves and each other so they can do what matters most. I know that when I’m doing something related to my purpose, it’s important to me and will bring a sense of satisfaction and joy. 

Love Notes to Myself

What will I remind myself of when times get rough? These are 2-5 words, phrases, or sentences that will energize you when you need it most. These can change as often as you wish. 

I realized that this was one of those tough times! Reading my love notes was a way to give myself compassion, tenderness, and love. These are a couple of them: K.I.S.S (Keep It Simple Sweetie), Be you. I ended up adding this new one: Step Out/Step Up to remind myself that when I’m growing, I’m stepping outside my comfort zone and stepping up to a new level. 

By the time I finished revisiting all of my foundation elements, I felt focused, calm and clear about my direction.

Life will knock you off-track once in a while, especially when you’re the kind of person who is drawn to learning, growing, challenges and changes. Building a solid foundation can give you the inner strength to get out there and be the kind of person that you want to be. If you have questions about these touchstone foundation elements, reach out to me a Jalene@JaleneCase.com.

Note: This is part one in a series of nine blog posts exploring a blueprint for self leadership.

Seeing the Next You

There will be times when we're in the ugly duckling stage of becoming the next version of ourselves, and we can’t clearly see what that next self will be. If we're lucky, we get a glimpse of it. It feels like, "Yes! That's the kind of woman I want to be!" That's the kind of experience I had this week.

I attended a conference for the National Association of Women Business Owners (NAWBO) California. Why California? I was connected with a phenomenal woman, and the next NAWBO California President, because we both use the same assessments with businesses. She nudged me to attend (love that kind of serendipity!). Her name is Mindy Bortness, President/CEO of Communication Works and she is a brilliant, loving force of nature! Thanks to her, I experienced much more than simply what was on the agenda.

I got to see the next version of myself more clearly than ever! Through interacting with fellow entrepreneurs, I felt in my core, "This is my tribe! This is the playground I want to play in! I belong!" In the afterglow of the conference, I notice that I'm clear in the action I'm taking and pushing myself to step up my game.

“You can’t be what you can’t see.”

— Marian Wright Edelman

View fullsize

I took this photo on my walk through a park in Sacramento during the conference. It brought to mind the sense of seeing the new through the natural, like seeing the next version of me, through the current one.

Where is your new tribe and how can you place yourself among them?

In the spirit of knowing ourselves,

Jalene

---

View fullsize

I help individuals make the jump from wishing to doing, and professional teams transform from awkward silence to potent interaction.

Assessments reveal the “how” and “why” behind your actions and emotional intelligence, indicating your ability to manage your emotions and their effects on others. We will work together to build skills in the areas you choose. The super-special sauce drizzled over our entire adventure is purposeful, heartfelt coaching.

Why am I doing this work I love? After completing an epic motorcycle trip from Oregon to the southern tip of South America, I am determined to support people in their leap across the border from, “I wish I could.” to “Yes! I did it!”

Learn more: Executive & Personal Coaching • Professional Development • Personal Workshops

Let's connect: LinkedIn • Facebook • Twitter

Contact me: JaleneCase.com • (541) 272-2337