Get the Support You Need: A Guide to Identify Your Tribe

Tell me if this sounds familiar to you: I probably have no fewer than 12 personal systems and devices—all designed to “support” and streamline my work and life. I’m surrounded by devices, yet when I have needed support from a person, I have sometimes found myself alone. 

There were two extraordinary times during the last several years when I really wanted and needed support. Indescribably, even though the right people were there, I didn’t reach out to them. The first time was when my husband and I went on an epic motorcycle adventure for two years. We rode two big BMW motorcycles from Oregon to the southern tip of South America. The thing that nearly caused me to give up on my dream (at least three times!) was that I greatly missed being with my tribe. You know, those friends you can immediately slip into a deep conversation with or colleagues who generously share their expertise and experience. It wasn’t that they weren’t there. They were. It was that I didn’t reach out to them.

The second time that found myself in need of support from people was after returning from that two-year motorcycle trip and starting my own business. After working for other organizations for 35 years, I was all alone in my office. I needed people to talk with about everything related to running a coaching and consulting business such as technology, marketing, finances, and oh so much more. I loved being part of a team, of an organization, of a community of people. I did not like being alone … until I figured it out. I don’t have to be alone and in fact, being alone makes lousy business sense. 

Now, I have the people, groups, and organizations that support me at my fingertips. This shortens the distance from stuck to unstuck. Plus, it’s more fun!

Human beings are wired for connection. We can do so much more, so much better when we work together and yet, it can be hard to reach out in our time of need. Deciding in advance who you can turn to for different purposes will make the “asking for help” process go much smoother.

Here are some questions to get you started thinking about who is there waiting to give you support. As you read these questions, write down who comes to mind. It might be friends, family, colleagues, or someone you hire.

All of these questions may or may not fit. That’s okay. Take what fits and write some of your own.

Who helps you tackle problems and challenges?

Who understands your business, industry, field or situation? 

Who has specific expertise that you need?

Who understands the people connected with your business or job such as clients, customers, volunteers, stakeholders, clients, employees, board, etc.?

Which groups do you want to join and be actively involved in? (Examples: Chambers, industry associations, etc.)

Do you want to start or find a group? (Examples: mastermind, accountability, coaching.)

If you work in an organization, who supports you internally?

Who have you or do you need to hire to support you? (Examples: bookkeeper, coach, virtual assistant, graphic designer, marketing.)

Who can you delegate to?

Who can you talk with when you’re feeling down?

Who can you dream with?

It’s one thing to know who you’ll reach out to but actually making the call or sending the email or text is another thing all together. Often when you need help it’s because you’re feeling unclear, foggy, overwhelmed, or even overly excited. Writing reminders for yourself will help you clearly see when it’s time to reach out sooner rather than later. 

How will you remind yourself to reach out when you want and/or need help?

To answer this question, examine previous experiences. When do you wish you would have reached out sooner? What were you feeling? What was happening? As you think about the answers to those questions, what do you notice that will help you navigate the situation better next time? Here are some examples from my list right now. I know it’s time to reach out when:

• I feel overly frustrated, tired, or pessimistic

• I don’t feel curious, outgoing, or creative

• I don’t know what I’m doing or don’t have a talent for it

Getting the support that you want and need to accomplish your visions, goals, and wild dreams starts with you. There are people willing and ready to give you what you need…all you need to do is ask.

Note: This is part six in a series of nine blog posts exploring a blueprint for self leadership. You can read the previous post here.

Move from Blocking to Supporting Yourself

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“I’m my own worst enemy!” Have you ever said this or heard a friend or colleague say it? It can feel frustrating and demotivating to know precisely what we want to accomplish yet take actions that move us in the opposite direction. How can you get out of your own way and support yourself in getting more of what you want?

After working in organizations for more than three decades, I started my own business a few years ago. It surprised me that the gnarliest challenges came from inside me, not from the external skills I was learning. Internal voices that overly criticized and structures that didn’t work blocked me from reaching my goals, dreams, and life purpose. Yes. It’s a big deal! Growing skills to support ourselves is essential if we want to create purposeful, meaningful, lives we love.

While I needed to learn many external, hard skills, I found that those were relatively easy. It was the internal, soft skills that were the trickiest yet had the most far-reaching, positive impact. The exercises that I share below have the potential to change more than you might imagine. Experiment. Pay attention to what’s happening on the outside as a result of the work you’re doing inside.

Subtract What Blocks You

Saboteur Voice

This self-sabotaging voice is also called inner critic or negative self-talk. It’s trying to keep us safe by holding us back so a lion doesn’t eat us. As we venture beyond our comfort zone, it springs into action. It usually sounds mean and loud. Its sentences might start with words such as “you can’t, you should, you must, you’re not enough,” or “you don’t deserve.”

How can you get rid of the Saboteur? Unfortunately, you can’t remove it 100%. However, you can block it from taking control. The most powerful tool you have is to simply notice it and name it. That’s it.

To begin noticing what your inner critic says, bring to mind something new and difficult that you did recently. Then, take a minute and jot down what the Saboteur was saying to you internally during that experience. For example, “Who do you think you are? You can’t do that!” Remember, simply notice.

Identifying your Saboteur’s language means you’ll recognize it sooner so you can boot it out of the driver’s seat and into the back seat where it belongs.

Limiting Beliefs

Limiting beliefs are hidden in our subconscious minds and constrain us in some way. Because we unconsciously believe them, we don’t do or say things that they inhibit. For example, “I don’t deserve to earn a six-figure income.” That type of limiting belief constrains your actions.

Working with a professional coach is an excellent way to unearth these limiting beliefs. For now, here’s a hack for you. Rather than identifying your limiting beliefs, do the reverse. Write as many answers as you can using this prompt: “I want to believe …”

Keep your list of what you want to believe in a place you see it often to consciously choose your beliefs.

Digging down into these areas is usually not pleasant. I know from experience. I also know that the reward is worth it.

Add What Supports You

Sage Voice

Your Sage Voice is here to give you some love! This voice sounds kind and quiet, which means it takes intention to hear it. It says things like, “You got this! You’re learning so give yourself a break. It’s going to be okay.”

The best way to connect with your Sage is to stop for a moment. Even pausing for ten seconds makes a difference. My favorite ways are to close my eyes and take a few deep breaths, stand outside for a few minutes doing nothing but sensing my surroundings, listen to a guided meditation, or take a walk.

Create a Container

Designing a container for yourself can bring freedom and fun. Really! My definition of a container is a system or framework that supports you. This will look different for all of us. Start by designing what you think will work for you now and then continue refining it as you learn and grow. The first step is the toughest!

For example, in order for me to feel free to work and have fun along the way, I need processes and people.

For my processes, I have structures in place for goals, daily tasks, writing blogs, recording videos, morning rituals, and monthly e-letters. Those systems bring me calm focus and a sense of accomplishment.

Here’s what I mean by needing people to support me. I thrive with a coach, an accountability partner, groups with a shared vision such as The Complete Leader program, and regularly doing yoga classes and running with a friend.

Your container will vary based on your needs. Imagine this as an infrastructure that supports you in doing what’s most important to you. What will help you be at your best?

By noticing your self-talk, choosing what you want to believe, and creating your container, you will be your biggest ally. I’d love to hear what your support system looks like! Send me an email to Jalene@JaleneCase.com.