Six Resilience Skills to Make It Through Dicey Spots

When was the last time you discovered that you didn’t measure up to someone else’s expectations? The message may have come from a boss, co-worker, colleague, client, family member, or friend. Do you remember the feeling? It might have been a visceral, sinking feeling in your gut or some other physical sensation that comes when your confidence takes a plunge.

I went through this tough experience with a coaching client recently. Initially, he was knocked off-track and didn’t know what to do to regain his confidence. Like a car hitting an icy patch of road, he was swerving uncontrollably. Eventually, he was able to gain control of his internal steering wheel again. Now that he’s beyond the rough patch, he can look back at the resiliency skills he developed along the way. We used the following six strategies to bring him relief, as well as personal growth. 

Let yourself feel whatever you’re feeling. 

If you think that by not acknowledging negative feelings, you’ll make them disappear, you would be wrong. The opposite is true. The way to allow those unpleasant feelings to dissipate is by allowing yourself to fully experience them. This is not fun. I get it. However, according to Harvard brain scientist Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, 90 seconds is all it takes to identify an emotion and allow it to dissipate while you simply notice it.

To help yourself in this process, you can write, talk with a friend, or close your eyes, go inside your body, and pay close attention to what you’re feeling emotionally and physically. Remind yourself that the feeling will pass.

Give yourself a good dose of self-compassion.

Processing feelings when you’re in this emotionally triggered state of mind is not easy; however, sticking with it will be worth it in the end. 

Dr. Kristin Neff, self-compassion researcher, shares this as part of her self-compassion definition: Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings—after all, who ever said you were supposed to be perfect?

Don’t take it personally.

Author Don Miguel Ruiz shares in The Four Agreements: If I see you on the street and I say, “Hey, you are so stupid,” without knowing you, it’s not about you; it’s about me. If you take it personally, then perhaps you believe you are stupid. Maybe you think to yourself, “How does he know? Is he clairvoyant, or can everybody see how stupid I am?”

That scenario may sound ridiculous as you read it, but have you heard a similar dialogue inside your head? 

Thinking about the scenario in third person is one method for moving away from taking it personally. For example, instead of saying, I messed up the presentation, you could say Jane didn’t bring her A-game to that presentation. This gives you a more objective, observer’s viewpoint that is not as emotionally tangled up in the situation. 

Notice the story you’re repeatedly telling yourself.

If you’re stuck in a never-ending story loop, try asking yourself these questions: What evidence do I have? Is it true? What are some other possibilities?

Look for the kernel of truth.

Scour the situation that’s thrown you off-track and look for a small bit of it that’s true or that you sincerely want to learn from. Use this insight to decide what you want to improve and how you will do it.

Choose a growth-mindset.

You have the power to choose the perspective you want to take on the situation and decide what you want to do moving forward. These wise words from Wayne Dyer come to mind: Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change. That seemingly simple shift is powerful! 

You get to choose your mindset. A fixed mindset means you believe your qualities (i.e., intelligence and talent) are fixed. A growth mindset means you believe that those qualities are just the starting point.

Picture your brain forming new connections as you meet the challenge and learn. Keep on going. Carol Dweck

These strategies don’t have an exact order. Use any or all of them when (not if!) you hit a dicey patch in the road. Growing your resilience skills isn’t enjoyable and yet, future you says, Thank you, because the next time you need them, it will be a wee bit easier to get your confidence back. Do you have a hot tip that I didn’t share? I’d love to hear it! Jalene@JaleneCase.com

What’s in Your Self-Resource Toolbox?

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“We have exceeded our surge capacity,” is a phrase I heard recently from Jennifer Louden. I thought, “Yes! That’s what it feels like! My inner surge protector is fried.” At the same time, I realized that I’ve been learning, along with my clients, friends, and family, how to survive the recent deluge of disasters. I bet you have, too.

Changes, especially uncontrollable changes, can leave you craving a way to get beyond the tornado of emotions so you can stand on firm ground again. How can you help yourself move forward? Self-resourcing. By gathering support resources, you can be there for yourself, and as a result, be there for the people you care about most.

Before diving into resource ideas, let’s start with a definition. I define self-resource as being a collection of support sources that can be used to help you be who you want to be, and do what you want to do, especially during challenging times.

Here are some ideas to get started. Try them or use them as springboards to create your own unique collection of self-resourcing tools.

Physically

• Pay attention to what your body is telling you. The physical pain you feel can be an emotional trauma that has manifested in your body. For example, lower back pain might really be related to a traumatic event in your life. (Like a pandemic!) Identifying the origination of the pain can change how you help your body heal.

•  Give yourself permission to move your body in a way that’s pleasurable. Dance with no one watching, stretch those stiff muscles, take a walk. Don’t get trapped by thinking that you’re not doing it right or for long enough. Get curious about what your body is calling for now.

Intellectually

• Write down the unconscious thoughts running around in your head to bring them into your conscious mind. Then, give yourself permission to set some of them aside. By mindfully compartmentalizing your fearful thoughts, you will be able to direct your full attention more effectively toward what’s most important at the time.

• Learn something new or improve in an area that will help you in multiple areas. For example, a coaching client decided that developing her emotional intelligence skills will support her in growing into a big promotion that she received. Depending on your bandwidth to learn right now, this can be on a large scale or tiny. No judgement here. Tiny growth is powerful!

Emotionally

Why bother noticing how you’re feeling? By naming what you’re feeling, the emotion can move through you. When you deny your feelings, they get stuck inside and escape in unexpected ways such as outbursts at people you care for. I appreciate this description from The New York Times, “… naming our emotions tends to diffuse their charge and lessen the burden they create. The psychologist Dan Siegel refers to this practice as ‘name it to tame it’.” (The Importance of Naming Your Emotions, by Tony Schwartz)

Having trouble identifying what you’re feeling? Here’s a way to practice. Set an alarm on your phone to go off three times a day. Each time, answer this question in your mind, “How am I feeling?” There’s no right or wrong answer. In my experience, I notice not only my awareness increasing but my emotional vocabulary growing. Instead of simply saying good or bad, I say focused or distracted. This exercise will improve your self-awareness which is the first step in growing emotional intelligence.

Spiritually

By spiritual, I mean that place inside that feels sacred to you. How can you give yourself more time in that space, even if it’s 10 seconds here and there? The quickest way for me to get that peaceful place is to close my eyes and take one deep breath in, during which I pay attention to my body’s sensations. I usually feel tingles in my chest and a sense of settling. That’s it. That’s enough.

If you have a spiritual practice that you’ve set aside, how might you pick up even a piece of it to resource yourself?

Bonus: Powerful Questions

I love the possibilities that good questions create. Here are some of my favorites that I’ve worked with lately. Which one(s) will increase your resourcefulness?

As you answer these questions, consider, “Will this choice enlarge or diminish me?” (Inspired by the work of James Hollis.)

• What am I willing to accept?

• What do I have to look forward to?

• What choices do I need to make?

Draw a line vertically down the center of a piece of paper. On one side write, “What feels fixed or unchangeable?” On the other side write, “What can I do to help or make myself better?” (Inspired by Jennifer Louden in The Writer’s Oasis.)

Take a moment to list five things you will do to resource yourself. Remember, resourcing yourself directly translates to serving the people who matter most to you. I’d love to hear what’s in your self-resource tool box! Send me an email to Jalene@JaleneCase.com.