How to Choose Between “Want” and “Should”

Doing what we want to do brings fulfillment and joy. On the other hand, doing what we think we should do can bring discomfort and confusion. The tricky thing is deciding for ourselves what we truly want and will commit to doing. 

I’ve been working with two executives who are grappling with the decision of whether or not they want to advance in their organizations. I hear things like, “I should want to be the top leader. I should want to make more money.” 

I’ve experienced this myself when my husband and I made the decision in our 50s to quit our good jobs so we could take two years to ride our motorcycles to the southern tip of South America. A big obstacle for us was thinking that we should be making more money to save more for retirement. 

You may be thinking, “Yes! You should want to be the top leader and make more money!” You are not wrong. That’s why discerning what you want versus what you think you should want is complex.

The two executives have done lots of should do’s in their lives. Perhaps that’s why they’re beyond ready to focus more on what they truly want to do. The question is, “What will you commit to doing?”

That’s a big question! To help answer it, you can differentiate between the should do’s and the truly want to do’s by using skills in self-awareness and decision-making.

The first step is noticing when there’s a discrepancy between a should and a want. Here’s a tip. Pay attention to when your internal voice says something like this: I want to __________ but I should __________. When you notice some version of this, put on your sleuth hat and start investigating. 

For example, I want to eat the whole cake but I should only eat a slice. I want to accept the job I’m excited about but I should take the one that pays more. Noticing and questioning is the first step, which involves the cornerstone skill of emotional intelligence: self-awareness.

Connecting with Your True Wants Using Self-Awareness

1. Give yourself space. A client has been giving herself space to do things she likes and to do nothing at all. There’s a saying that goes something like this: the best solutions come when you’re not thinking about the problem. That’s what she’s experiencing. She’s learning more about what she wants and doesn’t want without directly thinking about it. Plus, she’s having fun!

2. 5 Years/5 Scenarios. What might your life look like in the next five years? Create five different scenarios and then choose the one you want. Think about your work, personal life, body, learning, spirituality, and more.

3. Write, draw, paint or create a Vision Board. Express what you want your life to look and feel like. Dare to dream. Imagine what you want in one, five, and 10 years. Lately I’ve needed to remind myself that it’s okay to want. Allow yourself to be wholeheartedly you.

4. Combine data with self-knowledge. Learning about yourself using data may sound counter-intuitive but it’s surprisingly comforting and turbo charges self-awareness.

   When you answer questions about yourself and then read a report based on those answers, you see yourself from a new vantage point. The report won’t get you 100% right. It can’t. But it can give you language about yourself, words that you may not have used to describe yourself but that you know are spot-on.

   The magic happens when you choose what fits and what doesn’t. The key is for the data to be based on science which is why I recommend TTI Success Insights. I use several of their assessment tools with clients. To learn more, reach out to me on JaleneCase.com or visit TTISI.com.

5. Go down the rabbit hole. What have you been curious about doing? What is your internal voice whispering? Perhaps … learn to sail or change jobs or go back to school or start a business. Follow that voice by giving yourself full permission to simply research the topic. Go down any rabbit hole you choose. Google it. Read about it. Reach out to learn more from teachers, authors, businesses, whoever might shed light on what you want to explore.

The more self-awareness you develop, the easier it will be to decide between what you want to do versus what you think you should do. Ask yourself right now, “What do I want to do next?”  I’d love to hear what you learn in that internal conversation. Send me an email to Jalene@JaleneCase.com.

Why Less is More When It Comes to Goals

Envisioning a magical scenario in which you’re doing everything you want to is exhilarating, in the beginning. However, adding a dose of realism can give you the best chance of accomplishing what matters most to you.

I see this in myself, my clients, and my friends. We want to do it all right now! We have the best of intentions and list of exciting to dos. Fanning the “do it all” flame is an internal voice that says something like, “When I do it all, I’ll be happy.” Ouch.

In the first month of working with a business coach, I sent a long email with all my precious plans. Secretly I thought he’d be impressed. Instead, his reply was precisely, “Rank the three most important items.” Another ouch! I truly believed that they were all important and thought there was no way I could choose only three.

Now, I’m in that messy space of growing my prioritizing skills and while it’s not a pleasant experience, the end results are bringing me a sense of grounded, purpose and calm. And yes, I managed to choose only three most important items.

 “If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.” Neil Peart

Before I dive into making tough choices, which I don’t enjoy doing, I like to take a deep breath and remind myself of why I want to what matters most. Think big picture. Why is it important for you to do the things on your list?

Keep your why in mind as you continue reading.

Ruthlessly Choosing

Start with a brain dump. Write everything that you want to do. Let yourself go wild! If it’s helpful, you can make lists by areas. Ex. work, home, physical, learning, fun, etc.

Next, choose the three things that you will do during each of the following time periods: 30 days, 90 days, and 12 months.

If you want to challenge yourself, list ten things you want to do in the next 10 years.

Warning: Beware of your internal voice. The process of choosing can activate your inner gremlins. Watch out for internal dialogue like this: You don’t need to choose! You’re smart, you really can do it all! No, I don’t want to choose! If I don’t do it all I’m a loser! Look at (insert name of a person you admire) he/she can do it all! Simply notice that mean inner voice but do not engage with it. (Note: The reason I used all exclamation points is because your saboteur voice is loud and insistent while your authentic voice is quiet and calm.)

“Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It's about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen.” Brené Brown

Consistently Focusing

Now that you know what you want to focus on, how will you support yourself in sticking to it? For me, I know I can’t do it alone. I need what I call the “Weight Watchers” approach. On a regular basis, I need to “weigh-in” in front of another human being to keep me out of the denial zone and in the real zone.

You could hire a coach, partner-up with a friend, colleague, or family member, and/or join a group such as a mastermind that includes accountability. Another person might ask questions or share observations that spur your commitment or make you more aware of what does (and does not!) help you.

To prepare for meeting with your support tribe, you’ll need to track your progress. Developing a system that works for you is the key here. The basic elements for a goal system are writing what you will do, when you will do it, and why it’s important to you. While you’re working hard to keep it real, magic can happen.

“Where focus goes, energy flows.” Tony Robbins

Joyfully Celebrating

Don’t skip this part! Neuroscience shows that celebrating teaches our brain to do more of whatever we’re celebrating. Find a way that feels good to you. Try putting your arms in the air and saying, “Yes!” or “Yay me!” Do a happy dance. Keep track of your little and big wins by writing them down. Oh, and have a wee bit of fun while you do it.

“The more you celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate.” Oprah Winfrey

You can do this! Choose, focus, celebrate and pay attention to what happens next. I’d love to hear the tips and tricks you use and the ones you learn as you work through this process. Send them to me at Jalene@JaleneCase.com.

Your Body as a Decision-Making Power Tool

By Jalene Case 

Plugging into our bodies’ way of communicating is like using a decision-making power tool. It quickly drills to the core. Whether we’re struggling to make tiny, seemingly inconsequential choices or gigantic, clearly life-changing decisions, our bodies know the answer first.

It’s easy to rush through life without taking time to notice our physical sensations. In fact we often try to actively ignore our bodies by not listening to their plea for sleep, urge to move, or hunger for good food. Feel familiar?

That denial of our bodies’ voice also shows up in our decision-making process. For example, have you ever made a list of pros and cons to help you make a choice and, more often than not, ended up in analysis-paralysis? Did you feel that even though there were more pros on the list, you wanted to make the opposite choice? Interpreting what our bodies are trying to tell us is more than a gut-feeling-style approach.

Health expert Dr. Christiane Northrup sums it up well, “Our inner guidance comes to us through our feelings and body wisdom first ⁠— not through intellectual understanding.”  

Here are some ways to practice connecting with your body’s wisdom as a tool in the decision-making process.

Feeling Yes and No

Think back to a time when you made a memorable decision. The instant you chose, did you feel something in your body, such as a cold clenching in your gut or a flood of warm relief in your chest? Paying attention to your body grounds you, brings you into the present, and is a pathway for listening to your inner wisdom.

Read through these steps and then close your eyes and go through the process:

• Ground your feet firmly on the floor and take a deep breath into your belly. Let the rest of the world drift away. Breathe naturally for a few breaths and feel your body’s sensations. Where do you feel tension, pain, tingles, or warmth? Simply notice. You don’t need to do anything right now. Relax. Bring all your energy to this moment.

• Bring a question into your mind and feel the answer in your body. For example, you may be deciding whether to accept a job.

• Imagine what your life would look and feel like if you said yes to the job. Include every detail you can imagine with your senses. Imagine what you’re wearing, the location of the job, the work you’ll be doing, the people you’ll be around, the scent of the place, the taste, the colors. Imagine yourself in the world you created by saying yes to this decision.

• Notice what you feel in your body. Where do you feel it? Is there tension? A warmth? A tingle? A glow? A knot? Does it feel like a yes or a no?

• Next, imagine saying no to the job and go through the same process. After feeling the yes and the no in your body, which choice feels right for you at this moment?

Flip to Choose

In a similar vein, a co-worker, Mindy, taught me a different twist on feeling your way to a decision. Think about the choice you’re facing and then flip a coin. Imagine that heads means yes and tails means no. Look at the result and immediately notice what you wish the coin had revealed. Therein lies your heart’s true desire for the answer.

Emotional Vocabulary

“How do you feel?” can be a simple and yet, vexing question. It’s easy to respond with good, bad, mad, happy, sad, and even, “I don’t know.” Add to that our common business culture of not revealing feelings. Naming our emotions becomes tricky! However, connecting more specifically with how we’re feeling can help us see the nuances of a decision more clearly.

Dr. Brené Brown is in the process of researching emotional literacy. I imagine this will help us recognize our feelings more precisely by expanding the words we use to describe them. For example, describing how we feel as overwhelmed instead of simply tired or worried instead of mad. The words we use can often change the context of the situation and, as a result our actions.

Write to Feel

Bring a particular situation to mind. Start with the prompt of, “I feel…” and then write for five minutes without stopping. You might include the physical location of sensations in your body, and a description or metaphor that illustrates how it feels. Often the process of writing will bring clarity to the words swirling around in your mind and the feelings emanating from your body.

Mindfully Feel

This is my favorite quick connection to my body’s voice. Go to a private place in which you’ll be comfortable closing your eyes for a minute.

• Close your eyes. Put your hand on your heart. Take a deep breath.

• Notice the feeling of your hand on your body, and your feet on the ground or your bottom on the seat.

• Bring a situation to mind, perhaps a pending decision. Internally ask yourself, “How am I feeling?” Immediately notice the physical sensations that come. People hear their body in different ways so simply notice what happens for you. There is no right or wrong way to listen to your body. How do you interpret what you hear?

Heeding our bodies’ wisdom takes practice, like any skill we want to improve. Choose one of the methods above (or create your own!) and practice listening to what your body has to share about your next decision.

I would love to hear what works for you. Please send me a note at Jalene@JaleneCase.com.